One of My Favorite Memories

One of My Favorite Memories
My daughter,Amy...My husband,Craig & Me in Boston

I "HEART" YOU!!!!!!!

I "HEART" YOU!!!!!!!
"Don't Waste Time hating those who hate you! Instead Spend Time loving Those Who Love You!

Please Be Gentle

Please Be Gentle
I Have RSD/CRPS..Please Be Gentle..

OH The Magic And The Memories

OH The Magic And The Memories
I Love My Family So Much!

My Forever Love

My Forever Love
My Prince Finally Came!!!!


Oh My Goodness!!! Look At That!

We Are All Together

We Are All Together
Now...Life Is Good Again!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Bird Training 101 and The "Super-Nanny"

Amy giving Tilly "kisses"!!

We love Matilda!!!! "BOO BOO"

Amy and "Tilly Boo"
Tilly Having her weekly shower!!! She loves it and it calms her too!!

Hello Blogee's,
Well it's been a few days hasn't it? Sorry 'bout that. Life is going much faster than I can keep up with at the moment. Remember that sweet little darling "bird" that Amy got recently? Well, she turned into ....well....if she were a movie you might call her " Return of the Attacking Monster Bird"...ha ha! No..really!!! She started biting everyone in sight. You can't walk by her or she "spits" at you! Also, just like a baby would do...she goes " ah, eh, eh, eh, eh " and doesn't want anyone to touch her, not even Amy! So what's happening to our sweet and cute little "Matilda", "Tilly boo", "Tilly boo boo", among other pet names we call her???
    Amy was fit to be tied because nothing was working with Matilda! She tried giving treats and giving more time and less time. She tried holding her even when it seemed fruitless to try! We spoke to her in the sweetest tones and never get upset in front of the bird or she really gets in a tizzy! Do you know that Amy even bought "real" Bird food?? No..really, it's noodles, green beans, kidney beans with spices and it smells absolutely marvelous and delectable! I think I'd eat it if the term "bird food" didn't turn me off so quickly.
   Well, at first Matilda liked the "real" food and she liked watching the Telly with us in the evenings and even having "tea time" with us in the mornings. But suddenly she didn't even wish to come out of her cage, instead she would spit and sputter and spout off to anyone who dare try and bring her out of her little protected play cage; which she calls "home".
    We found a bird online named "Einstein" of all names! He is the smartest, most talkative sweet bird you'll ever see. I have posted a video of Einstein and one of Matilda just to show you the difference. But to be fair to Tilly, she's only just short of 6 months old and Einstein is about 10 years old, I believe. These types of birds live to be 50-75 years at times! Now that's what I call a true lifetime friend and commitment!
   I decided to write a note to Einstein's family asking for help with Tilly and her behavior. They said that their bird went through the same thing early on in her younger life. It is called "flock dominance" behavior. SHE thinks she's in charge therefore she puts anyone in their place if they cross her. We or I should say, Amy has to teach Matilda that she is not the boss and Amy IS THE BOSS.
   Amy seemed saddened by this change and knowing Amy she'd never give up. She's a hard nut to crack because she NEVER gives up on anything she does! She puts her full effort into everything and anything that she attempts to do. It always seems to show in the end, also. This time it has done so again!
   Amy took Matilda to her fiance's house this past weekend on Saturday evening. His mother and the whole family is very bird oriented. They have a Macaw,a ringneck parrot, a smaller kind of parrot, a cocktiel and a Gawfins (sp??)Cockatoo; plus two dogs to boot! So Amy likes to bring Tilly over once every weekend and keep her aclimated to being around other animals and people. Scotts mom is so good with her large Macaw, Vincent; so she showed Amy how to deal with Matilda this last weekend...and it has worked!!!
   When Tilly starts biting and hissing and spitting at Amy or us not to pick her up, we just "GENTLY" put our hand over her head and neck area and hold it firmly but very gently so as not to ever hurt her . This shows her that SHE is not "flock dominant" but that Amy is first and then us!!! There has been a 99% turnaround in just 3 days with this method! She may spit or do her baby whining "eh eh eh" but once you do that head thing she will squirm a few moments and then stop! Amy did this last night to cuddle with her on the couch and when she was done squirming, she finally settled and put her little head and beak right onto Amy's shoulder or tummy and lay there like a baby being petted ever so gently without being held down or even held onto! After that she ate and ate and ate for about an hour! She sang to "American Idol" songs on the TV and she was so much happier!
    I told Amy that the bird is happy NOT to be in charge. She wants Amy to be in charge as it takes the responsiblity off of her. That makes her more serene,calm, peaceful and much more happy with life in general! It's sort of like a little child when the "Super-Nanny" comes to get the child to stop misbehaving. She is very firm and stern and shows them who's boss! The children are then happier and more free to be happy when the weight of being "boss" isn't on their shoulders any longer! The kids end up loving the "Super-Nanny" after it is all said and done!! Just as Matilda loves her "person", my daughter Amy!!

These are 2 videos....the first is of Amy and Matilda and the 2nd one is of Scott's mother, Simeon; and her Macaw named "Vincent"....enjoy!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Cost of Pain! **Author Unknown/But Wanted to Share With You!


Hello all...
I just wanted to send this out to help people with or without pain to realize what its like to live with pain.   We all don't want to dwell on this fact and we want to live life as normally as possible. We dont "want" to be this way...not ever...but I thought since more "awareness" is needed regarding this painful disease, I wanted to add this note up for anyone who wishes to read,suzanne Stewart/RSD Mentor & Chemo-angel & special assignment "angel"

The Cost of Pain........................
the cost of prescriptions, medical treatments and devices, surgeries, insurance, disability payments, physical therapy, psychological therapy and such... yes you can add all those things up and get a total cost...but that is not the price of pain...the price of pain is more... The price of pain is the loss of self-respect when you can no longer complete personal grooming, cook meals or take care of your family the way you want to The price of pain is the loss of rewarding employment when you cannot perform the tasks to do the job you love. The price of pain is the loss of quality of life when you can't go biking with your children or dancing with your husband. The price of pain is the loss of relationships with friends and family when the pain and medication makes it impossible to even have a conversation or attend important events. The price of pain is no longer being independent when you cannot drive very far or shop for groceries alone. The price of pain is the depression and mental anguish the pain brings with it. The price of pain is the loss of sleep and the resulting problems sleep deprivation causes. The price of pain is the side effects of the medications taken in an attempt to survive the day. The price of pain is when you lose who you are in the pain. These things and more are the price of pain... It is the living every minute of everyday around what your pain level is or when you can take the next dose of medication,praying it will bring more pain relief than the last dose. When happiness is 4 hours of pain-free sleep or a day with only 75% of the usual pain. The price of pain is paid by the person in pain as well as those who love them. The price of pain is watching someone you love suffer day after day, night after night and you are helpless to ease their pain. The price of pain is when your child asks "Can you take me shopping or to a movie, if you are feeling Ok?"
The price of pain is beyond money, the price of pain is beyond words, The price of pain seems endless. The price of pain is is there until the day that person is free of the damaged body. The price of pain is all these things and more. But the pain is not me and I am not the pain. The pain is part of my life, but the pain will not take my life. I will fight, and though the pain fills my life it will not take my life. Each day I fight, I live, and show the pain who I am... though the pain may take much of my life it will not consume me-I will not allow the price to be that high... The price of pain is all this, but I am more

The RSD Support Ribbon

just a note that those in pain know all too well

my worse RSD foot with also Cellulitis

RSD Flare in my eyes!!!

after my cardiac cath radial cath was done my RSD flared and got worse in my wrist, hand, fingers etc..

swollen, hurting, burning "on fire" left foot with RSD

RT foot with worse RSD red/hot flaring!!

A few Pictures of a couple of places where I have RSD (Knees, feet and Left knee worse than right, right foot worse than left)
my poor hand is swollen,hurting **RSD FLARE!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"THE GOOD Ol' DAZE"...But, So far.....Not For Today!

                             MOMMA'S GIRLS!!!
Mommy and Jessica Lauren

Mommy and baby Amy Burnett!!
Jessica, the only one of my children to meet my grandmother from scotland, "Nanny"

The Day that My Amy was Born: 10-6-88

Little sweet new baby "Jessica Lauren" @ 3 weeks old!

mommy and Jessy first day home !!
sweet Amy Joy at 9 mos!

my lovey Jessy -belle..8mos

 Hey Bloggee's....
Just me again...another day and March of 2011 is here ~ I have chosen the "Past", to be my subject for today. The above pictures are:  each of my 2 daughters either alone or me holding them. Having my daughters was the highlight of my life. Watching them grow was intense and sensational!  I am nostalgic, in that I tried to close my eyes, smell them, take them in and just try to remember every single moment spent with them. I knew the time would go fast or seem to go by quickly; it has and it did.  There were some days that couldn't seem to get finished quick enough and dragged on and on. Yet other days were just so beautiful & lovely that they filled my senses with so much; I can still imagine myself in those moments today.
     I look at these pictures and if I close my eyes it feels like only a moment has flashed but when I open them again, I know that it's been over 24 years! Wow... 24 years seems like such a long time. As I was going through the time, it didn't feel fast or quick or short. But now as I turn on that "tape" inside of my head, I thank God for the memories and the pictures inside of my mind to keep me from ever forgetting those special and surreal moments in time. I used to stand at the edge of the crib and rock my babies,my little girls, and look at them and try to etch those memories into my mind.
     So much time has gone by. There has been so much good to keep in my heart, enough for a lifetime.I thought that we'd be a family forever. I loved them, cared for them, rocked them and my daughters became the center of my universe! All that I wanted was to be their "Momma"! When they were babies I was the center of their universe too. As they grew up, they continued to be the most important little people, to me. As they grew, I was to become less the center of their universe but I was still there to catch them when they "fell" and helped them to get back up again. I did that & I do that. I've tried to always be there for both of my girls through the good and the bad.
    . Today I just wanted to write about the past, the memories and the great amount of love and togetherness I've felt with my girls since they were born. If I could pick anything to do over again it would be to be able to go back to when they were babies and re-do anything that was not good enough and make it better. I know in my heart that I did everything possible to give them the best childhood that I could.
     In trying my best not to "complain", I must say that I had very little help while being a single mother of two girls. I worked full time cooked, kept a very clean house, took the girls anywhere and everywhere they needed and wanted to go. I was the one there for them when they were ill, and comforted them even at 2 or 3 a.m. after or during a bout with the flu or an ear infection. I was the one who said "yes" when they asked for a sleepover with their bff's. I also  was the only one who could rescue them from forgotten homework! That meant that I would have to leave my job (45-50 minutes away), drive home to get the  "forgotten" homework. Then I had to drive to their school to give it to them so they would be happy and "saved" and not in "trouble" with their teacher. Getting forgotten homework is just one example of the many things that I did as a single parent . I  did it lovingly and without complaint!  My daughters always had a kind and loving "momma", nearby or as close as a phone call away!  We even had a "code" word to use if they were someplace where they felt uncomfortable and /or they didn't like what was going on and couldn't speak out loud comfortably. I knew right away to go and get them. I remember one time Jessica  had gone to a sleepover birthday party. She called and said that she had a headache.  I could feel the lack of comfort in her voice. I told her  that I'd be there to get her asap! She used our "code word" and I knew sometthing was wrong. I packed up Amy, because it was a bit later at night, and we were on our way to "save" Jessica and get her home safely. When we got home I told her how proud of her I was for have the courage to call and get out of a bad situation. I was so surprised because the mother at the home where the sleepover was; had allowed older boys to show up later on and there was some girl coming over and even her name frightened Jessy  (her name was "coke-head Holly") so she couldnt wait to get safely home. We did everything together. I have so many good memories  inside of my head that I couldn't begin to write them or we'd have literally a Novel!  We were a trio and the family Dr. called us "triplets at different growth spurts"; because we looked alike and got along so well together. The girls were definitely my little "angels", gifts from Heaven above. I knew I wanted to be a mommy since I played with dolls as far back as I can remember.   I loved them and tried to be there 100% of the times when they needed me. Of course as they grew up, those times became less often.  I still tried to make sure that no matter how old they thought they were, I was there, just waiting to catch them if they should fall. Just to "dust them off and pick them back up" so they could grow up with me there to help. Sometimes I was in the front lines being the "mother bear" protecting "her cubs". Other times I had to sit back and just watch and let "life" happen. It was hard when I wanted to "catch" before they fell; but I had to let them "fall" so they could learn and grow.
      I have only love in my heart for my girls. So much so, that my cardiologist told me when I had my heart attack in 2004, that I had "broken heart syndrome". I was his first true case ever of this medical phenomenon. It's where the deep deep loving bond somehow gets "broken" by death or departure and when someone loves so deeply that their heart just literally "breaks" when they lose that person or if they feel that they've "lost" the person due to estrangement or other.  My heart Dr. knew my girls well because I brought them to my appointments and I talked about them often. He said could "feel" my deep love for them. He added that he could also "see it in my eyes, hear it in my words and the way I spoke about them and to them".
     I would never ever "blame" anyone, especially not my "children"  for the reason that I had a heart attack. Never ,NEVER, EVER would I even think that way. That is not what my Dr. meant either. It's deeper than that and it's just the way my own mind, body and soul worked together and how much I completely love them. It was a series of events that took place and a loss that took me so completely by surprise that made my heart literally start to "break".  Many parents know that their kids aren't perfect and that they'll "step out of line" sometimes.  But we trust them to make the best choices possible because of what we tried to teach them all of those years while they were growing up.
     As time went on, my Jessica started to change. I was too close to the situation and to her to notice that something "bad" was happening. I couldn't and wouldn't believe it or fathom the idea that I was losing her, She left in July 2004, two years after my husband, Craig and I were in a bad car accident.  She "used" my pain and surgeries as a reason to "hate me"  and as a way to "get away with bad  behaviors". Although, I must add that her bad behaviors had started at age 13, but I hadn't a clue because she was such a "good" girl at school, per her teachers and normally at home too. So, I trusted her as any other parent would if their daughter hadn't given them a reason not to trust. Then just the May prior to our August '02 accident, Jessy got in the most trouble she'd ever been in before. She totally lost my trust and confidence; but never my love. So she was grounded but it was 2 weeks before her 16th birthday so I still allowed her to have her "MaryKay makeup party". I also took pizza to school for her and her friends on her 16th birthday. I remember being so happy to do it and then when I got inside she wanted me to "drop off the pizza" and leave quickly!  Even her friends thought it was mean and they  asked me to stay a few minutes. I wanted to stay but I quickly left because I was hurt and knew I wasn't wanted there by my own daughter who I'd just bought pizza for...go figure?? 
      I never thought I would "lose" one of my children. I gave them both, equally...all of the love, attention, quality time and everything they ever needed and/or wanted emotionally and physically. I was always there for them both. They were (and still are... as is Craig) my life. They've always been my reason for being able to make it during the hard times. Their love and our relationships carried me through. 
       I hope and pray that one day my oldest daughter will see the way things truly are / were and believe in her life with me the first many many years. We had some good and bad times, but we always got through them with alot of love, understanding and most of all truth! I told the truth to them even if it was hard. I apologized if I knew I had said or done something that made me not like myself so much. We all make mistakes in life but as long as we "right" the wrongs and make amends and mean it; then we can start again.
     I feel that every day we start over. It's a new day and we can keep the past "small" mistakes in the past and move on to a new day with more love and more adventures than the day before. If we make very large mistakes that hurt the people we love, deeply..we should never let too much time pass before trying to make amends again. Time is a strange thing because as it passes on...things get "bigger" and it gets harder and harder to remember the closeness and love that helped us through all of those hard times. Also, the good times get farther away and somehow "forgotten" by some of the people. As a mother, I will never forget...not ever!
     For me, time is still beautiful, especially when spent with the ones I love so much! When I'm alone it feels like time is something that keeps passing by.Time makes me feel as though she's getting farther and farther away from my arms, my life but never my love. The memories sneak into my mind about the daughter I lost in 2004, 7- long years ago! Somehow I fear that I must have "lost" her long before then. 
    I feel that in our hearts, minds and souls, we do know what is true and real. Amy chose to go with truth and love and with the people who love her unconditionally.She knows deep inside and on the surface, that I've been there for her always.  We want nothing except love, trust and to continue being a family in our hearts, minds and in our real family relationship! Amy has a big heart,a good soul,she's loving, giving, kind and caring.  She's also so very intelligent and she shines! Amy cares deeply and therefore gets hurt like I do....very deeply. 
     I remember Amy as a baby and how she would always have to be "attached" to me, or she'd cry. I couldn't get any housework done at first! I didn't know quite what to do?? I bought one of those "front baby packs".  I tied her onto the front of my body in this little "sling thing". She stopped crying and I could clean and vacuum the house again!! I used to listen to her in the mornings with the baby monitor on. When she woke up she didn't scream or cry. She would "gurgle" and "coo" and make happy baby sounds while also playing with her feet or her "busy box" in her crib. I could easily listen to my little "sweet pea" , Amy, for 10-15 minutes before getting up to get her and give her a bottle. When I would walk into her room, she would light up like a light bulb,her eyes would become even larger than usual like "dark saucers". She'd then greet me with a  smile that seemed like an angels smile. She would flap her arms up and down for me to pick her up and I would sweep her up into my arms and just hold her, rock her and smell her little baby smell as long as I could, so I could never forget it. 
     It's a bit funny, because I wasn't use to these behaviors from my experiences with Jessica as a baby. Oh yes...she was as gorgeous and lovely as she could be and she wanted me in her sight at all times! I rocked her when she got her bottle and whenever I read to her nightly,as par of our routine for bed time. But as an infant,Jessica screamed from the moment she awakened. She wanted her bottle right then and did not want to wait! She even turned "purple" so I felt that I had to hurry hurry or she might explode or something!! HA HA...I was a "new mom" and didn't realize that she really would be "OK" if I didn't rush as much as I did to make her happy. But it was my job in life to "make her happy"...right? Isn't that what mommies do?  I thought so at the time and didn't know any different except that I had to make her stop crying and do whatever it took to make her happy and calm. The minute that the bottle touched her lips, she'd stop crying and become calm,happy and no longer "purple"..LOL..
     Now this blog wouldn't be finished or any good without me telling you about my husband Craig. We've been married now 14 years and he is my "soul-mate", as I've mentioned before. He is the one true love for me! The one who I know in my heart will never betray me or take my love for granted. He takes care of me and I take care of him. We take care of Amy and she takes care of us! WE are a family! We discuss things with each other and we try to never take eachother for granted. We enjoy each other's company. Our vacations are fun and full of excitement, enjoyment and intelligent but fun discussions. We care deeply for eachother and we are truly there for one another. I feel loved. I know that Amy and Craig both feel loved also; because we don't just "say the words" but we show it in our daily actions and interactions.
    Somehow I wish Jessica hadn't turned to my abusers for whatever validation she needed in her life. I was, I am,and I always will be still here for her. I tried to be there but she wouldn't let me "in" anymore. She knows in her heart, the truth about everything. She knows in her mind that I'm not "crazy" like she tells people.  She must've needed a "reason" for me not to be at her wedding so she told the people who came and who asked "where is your mother?" She told them that I am "crazy" due to the MTBI from the car accident. But anyone who knows me and knows about my MTBI; would know that I just have trouble with remembering new information. That doesn't make anyone "crazy" in any sense of the word. 

Me at Jessy's 7th grade "honors awards" ceremony

Me and my girls picking berries together!

my girls and me at the Toledo Zoo, just the 3 of us!
me and my girls at Disney world in Florida!!!

Isn't this the truth? These are my 2 girls!! Amy the Scottish Highland Dancer & Jessica My Swimmer!

Me and my Amy at her 1st grade "FAMILY" performance. I was her "FAMILY"

Craig and the girls carving a Pumpkin for Halloween!!
      In turning to my "abusers" she got the validation she needed for the life she's chosen and for "hating me". We all have to make choices. I choose to enjoy spending time with the people who love me and who daily show me that love.I will always be here for both of my daugthers. I would lovingly open my arms should my "Jessybelle", my "sunshine girl",  ever choose to love me again. As I have never stopped loving her and I will always welcome her love back into my heart ;where my love for her has never left and has been there waiting for her love to return...someday..somehow...but so far...not for today..

Jessy and Mommy at 1st graders/4th graders picnic

Mommy and Jessy swinging at the Park

Craig holding Jessica up to Put the Angel on the Top of our Christmas Tree!!!
my two "angels" on their First Communion Days!
my little Amy JOY!! 
My 2 girls "little" and then "older"!!!!

Jessy  and Amy in High School !
this is the note that my Psychologist , who's known us (and me )for the past 10 yrs, wrote for me when he
heard that Jessica had told people at her wedding that I was "crazy". He was not happy and I was very sad
and he wrote this for me, just for me to keep because it is in his own handwriting on 'his' own paper...
it was Written in 2009!**

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