|Mommy and Jessica Lauren|
|Mommy and baby Amy Burnett!!|
|Jessica, the only one of my children to meet my grandmother from scotland, "Nanny"|
|The Day that My Amy was Born: 10-6-88|
|Little sweet new baby "Jessica Lauren" @ 3 weeks old!|
|mommy and Jessy first day home !!|
|sweet Amy Joy at 9 mos!|
|my lovey Jessy -belle..8mos|
Just me again...another day and March of 2011 is here ~ I have chosen the "Past", to be my subject for today. The above pictures are: each of my 2 daughters either alone or me holding them. Having my daughters was the highlight of my life. Watching them grow was intense and sensational! I am nostalgic, in that I tried to close my eyes, smell them, take them in and just try to remember every single moment spent with them. I knew the time would go fast or seem to go by quickly; it has and it did. There were some days that couldn't seem to get finished quick enough and dragged on and on. Yet other days were just so beautiful & lovely that they filled my senses with so much; I can still imagine myself in those moments today.
I look at these pictures and if I close my eyes it feels like only a moment has flashed but when I open them again, I know that it's been over 24 years! Wow... 24 years seems like such a long time. As I was going through the time, it didn't feel fast or quick or short. But now as I turn on that "tape" inside of my head, I thank God for the memories and the pictures inside of my mind to keep me from ever forgetting those special and surreal moments in time. I used to stand at the edge of the crib and rock my babies,my little girls, and look at them and try to etch those memories into my mind.
So much time has gone by. There has been so much good to keep in my heart, enough for a lifetime.I thought that we'd be a family forever. I loved them, cared for them, rocked them and my daughters became the center of my universe! All that I wanted was to be their "Momma"! When they were babies I was the center of their universe too. As they grew up, they continued to be the most important little people, to me. As they grew, I was to become less the center of their universe but I was still there to catch them when they "fell" and helped them to get back up again. I did that & I do that. I've tried to always be there for both of my girls through the good and the bad.
. Today I just wanted to write about the past, the memories and the great amount of love and togetherness I've felt with my girls since they were born. If I could pick anything to do over again it would be to be able to go back to when they were babies and re-do anything that was not good enough and make it better. I know in my heart that I did everything possible to give them the best childhood that I could.
In trying my best not to "complain", I must say that I had very little help while being a single mother of two girls. I worked full time cooked, kept a very clean house, took the girls anywhere and everywhere they needed and wanted to go. I was the one there for them when they were ill, and comforted them even at 2 or 3 a.m. after or during a bout with the flu or an ear infection. I was the one who said "yes" when they asked for a sleepover with their bff's. I also was the only one who could rescue them from forgotten homework! That meant that I would have to leave my job (45-50 minutes away), drive home to get the "forgotten" homework. Then I had to drive to their school to give it to them so they would be happy and "saved" and not in "trouble" with their teacher. Getting forgotten homework is just one example of the many things that I did as a single parent . I did it lovingly and without complaint! My daughters always had a kind and loving "momma", nearby or as close as a phone call away! We even had a "code" word to use if they were someplace where they felt uncomfortable and /or they didn't like what was going on and couldn't speak out loud comfortably. I knew right away to go and get them. I remember one time Jessica had gone to a sleepover birthday party. She called and said that she had a headache. I could feel the lack of comfort in her voice. I told her that I'd be there to get her asap! She used our "code word" and I knew sometthing was wrong. I packed up Amy, because it was a bit later at night, and we were on our way to "save" Jessica and get her home safely. When we got home I told her how proud of her I was for have the courage to call and get out of a bad situation. I was so surprised because the mother at the home where the sleepover was; had allowed older boys to show up later on and there was some girl coming over and even her name frightened Jessy (her name was "coke-head Holly") so she couldnt wait to get safely home. We did everything together. I have so many good memories inside of my head that I couldn't begin to write them or we'd have literally a Novel! We were a trio and the family Dr. called us "triplets at different growth spurts"; because we looked alike and got along so well together. The girls were definitely my little "angels", gifts from Heaven above. I knew I wanted to be a mommy since I played with dolls as far back as I can remember. I loved them and tried to be there 100% of the times when they needed me. Of course as they grew up, those times became less often. I still tried to make sure that no matter how old they thought they were, I was there, just waiting to catch them if they should fall. Just to "dust them off and pick them back up" so they could grow up with me there to help. Sometimes I was in the front lines being the "mother bear" protecting "her cubs". Other times I had to sit back and just watch and let "life" happen. It was hard when I wanted to "catch" before they fell; but I had to let them "fall" so they could learn and grow.
I have only love in my heart for my girls. So much so, that my cardiologist told me when I had my heart attack in 2004, that I had "broken heart syndrome". I was his first true case ever of this medical phenomenon. It's where the deep deep loving bond somehow gets "broken" by death or departure and when someone loves so deeply that their heart just literally "breaks" when they lose that person or if they feel that they've "lost" the person due to estrangement or other. My heart Dr. knew my girls well because I brought them to my appointments and I talked about them often. He said could "feel" my deep love for them. He added that he could also "see it in my eyes, hear it in my words and the way I spoke about them and to them".
I would never ever "blame" anyone, especially not my "children" for the reason that I had a heart attack. Never ,NEVER, EVER would I even think that way. That is not what my Dr. meant either. It's deeper than that and it's just the way my own mind, body and soul worked together and how much I completely love them. It was a series of events that took place and a loss that took me so completely by surprise that made my heart literally start to "break". Many parents know that their kids aren't perfect and that they'll "step out of line" sometimes. But we trust them to make the best choices possible because of what we tried to teach them all of those years while they were growing up.
As time went on, my Jessica started to change. I was too close to the situation and to her to notice that something "bad" was happening. I couldn't and wouldn't believe it or fathom the idea that I was losing her, She left in July 2004, two years after my husband, Craig and I were in a bad car accident. She "used" my pain and surgeries as a reason to "hate me" and as a way to "get away with bad behaviors". Although, I must add that her bad behaviors had started at age 13, but I hadn't a clue because she was such a "good" girl at school, per her teachers and normally at home too. So, I trusted her as any other parent would if their daughter hadn't given them a reason not to trust. Then just the May prior to our August '02 accident, Jessy got in the most trouble she'd ever been in before. She totally lost my trust and confidence; but never my love. So she was grounded but it was 2 weeks before her 16th birthday so I still allowed her to have her "MaryKay makeup party". I also took pizza to school for her and her friends on her 16th birthday. I remember being so happy to do it and then when I got inside she wanted me to "drop off the pizza" and leave quickly! Even her friends thought it was mean and they asked me to stay a few minutes. I wanted to stay but I quickly left because I was hurt and knew I wasn't wanted there by my own daughter who I'd just bought pizza for...go figure??
I never thought I would "lose" one of my children. I gave them both, equally...all of the love, attention, quality time and everything they ever needed and/or wanted emotionally and physically. I was always there for them both. They were (and still are... as is Craig) my life. They've always been my reason for being able to make it during the hard times. Their love and our relationships carried me through.
I hope and pray that one day my oldest daughter will see the way things truly are / were and believe in her life with me the first many many years. We had some good and bad times, but we always got through them with alot of love, understanding and most of all truth! I told the truth to them even if it was hard. I apologized if I knew I had said or done something that made me not like myself so much. We all make mistakes in life but as long as we "right" the wrongs and make amends and mean it; then we can start again.
I feel that every day we start over. It's a new day and we can keep the past "small" mistakes in the past and move on to a new day with more love and more adventures than the day before. If we make very large mistakes that hurt the people we love, deeply..we should never let too much time pass before trying to make amends again. Time is a strange thing because as it passes on...things get "bigger" and it gets harder and harder to remember the closeness and love that helped us through all of those hard times. Also, the good times get farther away and somehow "forgotten" by some of the people. As a mother, I will never forget...not ever!
For me, time is still beautiful, especially when spent with the ones I love so much! When I'm alone it feels like time is something that keeps passing by.Time makes me feel as though she's getting farther and farther away from my arms, my life but never my love. The memories sneak into my mind about the daughter I lost in 2004, 7- long years ago! Somehow I fear that I must have "lost" her long before then.
I feel that in our hearts, minds and souls, we do know what is true and real. Amy chose to go with truth and love and with the people who love her unconditionally.She knows deep inside and on the surface, that I've been there for her always. We want nothing except love, trust and to continue being a family in our hearts, minds and in our real family relationship! Amy has a big heart,a good soul,she's loving, giving, kind and caring. She's also so very intelligent and she shines! Amy cares deeply and therefore gets hurt like I do....very deeply.
I remember Amy as a baby and how she would always have to be "attached" to me, or she'd cry. I couldn't get any housework done at first! I didn't know quite what to do?? I bought one of those "front baby packs". I tied her onto the front of my body in this little "sling thing". She stopped crying and I could clean and vacuum the house again!! I used to listen to her in the mornings with the baby monitor on. When she woke up she didn't scream or cry. She would "gurgle" and "coo" and make happy baby sounds while also playing with her feet or her "busy box" in her crib. I could easily listen to my little "sweet pea" , Amy, for 10-15 minutes before getting up to get her and give her a bottle. When I would walk into her room, she would light up like a light bulb,her eyes would become even larger than usual like "dark saucers". She'd then greet me with a smile that seemed like an angels smile. She would flap her arms up and down for me to pick her up and I would sweep her up into my arms and just hold her, rock her and smell her little baby smell as long as I could, so I could never forget it.
It's a bit funny, because I wasn't use to these behaviors from my experiences with Jessica as a baby. Oh yes...she was as gorgeous and lovely as she could be and she wanted me in her sight at all times! I rocked her when she got her bottle and whenever I read to her nightly,as par of our routine for bed time. But as an infant,Jessica screamed from the moment she awakened. She wanted her bottle right then and did not want to wait! She even turned "purple" so I felt that I had to hurry hurry or she might explode or something!! HA HA...I was a "new mom" and didn't realize that she really would be "OK" if I didn't rush as much as I did to make her happy. But it was my job in life to "make her happy"...right? Isn't that what mommies do? I thought so at the time and didn't know any different except that I had to make her stop crying and do whatever it took to make her happy and calm. The minute that the bottle touched her lips, she'd stop crying and become calm,happy and no longer "purple"..LOL..
Now this blog wouldn't be finished or any good without me telling you about my husband Craig. We've been married now 14 years and he is my "soul-mate", as I've mentioned before. He is the one true love for me! The one who I know in my heart will never betray me or take my love for granted. He takes care of me and I take care of him. We take care of Amy and she takes care of us! WE are a family! We discuss things with each other and we try to never take eachother for granted. We enjoy each other's company. Our vacations are fun and full of excitement, enjoyment and intelligent but fun discussions. We care deeply for eachother and we are truly there for one another. I feel loved. I know that Amy and Craig both feel loved also; because we don't just "say the words" but we show it in our daily actions and interactions.
Somehow I wish Jessica hadn't turned to my abusers for whatever validation she needed in her life. I was, I am,and I always will be still here for her. I tried to be there but she wouldn't let me "in" anymore. She knows in her heart, the truth about everything. She knows in her mind that I'm not "crazy" like she tells people. She must've needed a "reason" for me not to be at her wedding so she told the people who came and who asked "where is your mother?" She told them that I am "crazy" due to the MTBI from the car accident. But anyone who knows me and knows about my MTBI; would know that I just have trouble with remembering new information. That doesn't make anyone "crazy" in any sense of the word.
|Me at Jessy's 7th grade "honors awards" ceremony|
|Me and my girls picking berries together!|
|my girls and me at the Toledo Zoo, just the 3 of us!|
|me and my girls at Disney world in Florida!!!|
|Isn't this the truth? These are my 2 girls!! Amy the Scottish Highland Dancer & Jessica My Swimmer!|
|Me and my Amy at her 1st grade "FAMILY" performance. I was her "FAMILY"|
|Craig and the girls carving a Pumpkin for Halloween!!|
|Jessy and Mommy at 1st graders/4th graders picnic|
|Mommy and Jessy swinging at the Park|
Craig holding Jessica up to Put the Angel on the Top of our Christmas Tree!!!